Woody Allen

His adopted daughter Bechet Dumaine, named after Sidney Bechet , was born in December 1998.

In October 1997 he was ranked #43 in Empire magazines Top 100 Movie Stars of All Time list.

Speaks French.

Refuses to watch any of his movies once released.

He and former lover Mia Farrow had three children: Moses Farrow (adopted son, aka Misha), Dylan OSullivan Farrow (adopted daughter, aka Mallone), and Satchel "Ronan" Farrow, born on Dec. 19, 1987.

Suspended from New York University.

He loves Venice, and helped to raise funds to rebuild the Venetian theater La Fenice, which was destroyed by a fire.

In February 2000 he adopted his second daughter Manzie Tio Allen, named after Manzie Johnson, a drummer with Sidney Bechet s band, after she had been born in Texas.

Older brother of Letty Aronson.

Was once invited to appear with the Royal Shakespeare Company.

Among his biggest idols are Ingmar Bergman , Groucho Marx , Federico Fellini , Cole Porter and Anton Chekhov.

One of the most prolific American directors of his generation, he has written, directed and--more often than not--starred in a film just about every year since 1969.

Accused British interviewer Michael Parkinson of having a morbid interest in his private life and rejected questions about the custody battle for his children during his appearance on the BBCs "Parkinson" in 1999.

Born at 10:55 PM EST.

Despite the advancement of sound technology, all of his films are mixed and released in monaural sound, although later ones have a mono Dolby Digital mix.

In 2002 he made his first appearance at the Oscars in Hollywood to make a plea for producers to continue filming their movies in New York after the 9/11 tragedy.

Wrote the concept for the film Hollywood Ending on the back of a matchbook. Years later, he found the matchbook with the notes for the film on it and made the film.

In 2002 he attended the Cannes Film Festival for the first time to receive the Palm of Palms award for lifetime achievement.

He has more Academy Award nominations (16) for writing than anyone else, all of them are in the Written Directly for the Screen category.

After completing his first musical, Everyone Says I Love You , he stated that hed like to do another in the future with an all-original score. Since making that statement, however, nothing has yet materialized.

In addition to being a comedian, musician and filmmaker, he is also a respected playwright.

Legally changed his name to Heywood Allen. Goes by "Woody" in honor of Woody Herman.

Graduated from Midwood High School at Brooklyn College.

Son of bookkeeper Martin Konigsberg (December 25, 1900-January 13, 2001) and his wife Nettie Konigsberg (November 8, 1906-January 27, 2002).

Was voted the 19th greatest director of all time by Entertainment Weekly.

Has been nominated or won 136 awards, more than Charles Chaplin , Buster Keaton , and Harold Lloyd combined.

Biography in: John Wakeman, editor. "World Film Directors, Volume Two, 1945-1985." Pages 20-29. New York: The H.W. Wilson Company, 1988.

Has a look-alike puppet in the French show "Les guignols de linfo" .

Ranked #4 in Comedy Centrals 100 Greatest Stand-Up Comedians of All Time.

His biological son Ronan Farrow graduated from college at 15 and was accepted into Yale Law School.

Woodys paternal grandparents, Isaac Koenigsberg and Jennie Copplin, were Russian Jewish immigrants. Woodys maternal grandparents, Leon Cherry and Sarah Hoff, were Austrian Jewish immigrants.

Longtime fan and season ticket holder of the NBAs New York Knicks.

Although he is barely interested in awards, hes one of the Academys favorites--his 16 Oscar Nominations for Best Original Screenplay as of 2014 are a record for that category. This puts him ahead of Billy Wilder , who had 19 combined Oscar nominations for Writing and Directing. With 24 nominations in the combination of the top-three categories--acting, directing and writing--he holds the record there as well.

Directed 17 different actors in Oscar-nominated performances: Diane Keaton , Geraldine Page , Maureen Stapleton , Mariel Hemingway , Michael Caine , Dianne Wiest (twice), Martin Landau , Judy Davis , Chazz Palminteri , Jennifer Tilly , Mira Sorvino , Sean Penn , Samantha Morton , Penlope Cruz , Cate Blanchett , Sally Hawkins and himself. Keaton, Caine, Wiest (both times), Sorvino, Cruz, and Blanchett won Oscars for their performances in one of his movies.

Is a fan of Uruguayan musician Alfredo Zitarrosa.

In 2005 he was ranked #10 in Empire magazines Greatest Directors Ever! poll.

He has only directed one film in which both of his longtime companions Diane Keaton and Mia Farrow appear: Radio Days .

According to Mia Farrow s biography, "What Falls Away", Frank Sinatra offered to have Allens legs broken when he was found to be having an affair with her adopted daughter, Soon-Yi Previn.

Married to Mia Farrow s adopted daughter Soon-Yi Previn , from her second marriage with Andr Previn.

Does not allow his films to be edited for airlines and television broadcasts.

As a boy growing up in Brooklyn, he spent most of his time alone in his room practicing magic tricks or his clarinet.

Got hooked on movies when he was three years old when his mother took him him to see Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs . From that day, he said, theaters became his second home.

In December 2005 he told a reporter that he has earned more money from two real estate transactions than he has from all of his movies combined--he sold his long-held Fifth Avenue penthouse (which he had purchased for $600,000) for a profit of $17 million and a renovated townhouse for a profit of some $7 million.

Five actresses have won Academy Awards for his films: Diane Keaton won Best Actress for Annie Hall , Dianne Wiest won Best Supporting Actress for both Hannah and Her Sisters and Bullets Over Broadway . Mira Sorvino won Best Supporting Actress for Mighty Aphrodite , Penlope Cruz won Best Supporting Actress for Vicky Cristina Barcelona and Cate Blanchett won Best Actress for Blue Jasmine .

His godson Quincy Rose is also a successful writer and actor.

Wrote Whats Up, Tiger Lily? , Take the Money and Run and Bananas with his childhood friend and first writing partner, Mickey Rose. Rose also co-wrote on all of Allens earlier comedy albums and had a big hand in writing the famous "Moose" sketch.

Stated in an interview that he was "not interested in all that extra stuff on DVDs" and that he hopes his films would speak for themselves. Allen has never recorded an audio commentary or even so much has been interviewed for a DVD of any films with which he had been involved.

Distant cousin of Abe Burrows.

Was originally attached to co-star with Jim Carrey in The Farrelly Brothers comedy Stuck on You , but decided to pass on the idea.

Was set to reprise his voice role in Antz for a planned direct-to-video "Antz 2" but the project never got off the ground.

Is a vegetarian.

In June 2007 he was awarded an honorary doctorate degree by Pompeu Fabra University in Barcelona, Spain.

His variety of neuroses include: arachnophobia (spiders), entomophobia (insects), heliophobia (sunshine), cynophobia (dogs), altophobia (heights), demophobia (crowds), carcinophobia (cancer), thanatophobia (death), misophobia (germs). He admits to being terrified of hotel bathrooms.

After dropping out of New York University, where he studied communication and film, he attended City College of New York.

In 2002 a life-size statue of him was erected in Oviedo, Spain.

Although depicting himself as a nerd in his movies, he was a popular student and an adept baseball and basketball player in high school.

According to Eric Lax s book, Allens favorites of his films are : Match Point , The Purple Rose of Cairo , Stardust Memories , Broadway Danny Rose , and Manhattan Murder Mystery .

His and Mia Farrow s 12-year relationship ended in a custody battle over their three children in which she accused him of sexually molesting their daughter Dylan OSullivan Farrow , though the judge dismissed the claims because they were not substantiated. Farrow ultimately won custody of the children. Allen was denied visitation rights with Dylan OSullivan Farrow and could only see his biological son, Ronan Farrow , under supervision. Moses Farrow chose not to see his father. In later years, Woody Allen and Moses reconciled, and the latter cut off all ties with the Farrow family.

Although he was granted visitation rights for his son Ronan Farrow , after a custody battle with Mia Farrow , their relationship is estranged (similar to Dylan OSullivan Farrow ). Ronan stated that he cannot have a morally consistent relationship with a man who is his father and his brother-in-law.

Manages his one-film-per-year schedule by setting strict budgets. Actors--famous or otherwise--receive the same salary.

Writes his scripts on a typewriter. He does not own a personal computer, and has his e-mail account managed by assistants.

He directed, wrote and starred in five of the American Film Institutes 100 Funniest Movies: Annie Hall at #4, Manhattan at #46, Take the Money and Run at #66, Bananas at #69 and Sleeper at #80.

Profiled in "American Classic Screen Interviews" (Scarecrow Press).

Plays his clarinet at a jazz club where the house rule is that he cannot be addressed by any member of the audience. If someone does speak to him, they are automatically ejected from the club.

As an homage to Gordon Willis , his long-time friend and cinematographer, he includes a scene where you hear the actors talking outside the shot. Willis encouraged him to do this when they were shooting Annie Hall .

Match Point was his first film to make money in seven years.

In the early 1960s he did stand-up comedy at Enricos Caf in San Francisco.

The oldest Academy Award winner for Best Original Screenplay (aged 76 in 2012 for Midnight in Paris ).

Is not a member of AMPAS.

His top ten films of all time are: La grande illusion , Citizen Kane , Ladri di biciclette , Rashmon , Det sjunde inseglet , Paths of Glory , Les quatre cents coups , 8 , Le charme discret de la bourgeoisie and Amarcord .

Every film directed by Allen since Love and Death through Caf Society , was cast by longtime friend and New York casting director Juliet Taylor.

Since October 2005 he plays clarinet every Monday night at the Caf Carlyle in Manhattan.

In December 2007 he made a European concert tour (Brussels, Luxembourg, Vienna, Paris, Budapest, Athens, Lisbon, Barcelona, San Sebastian, La Coruna) with the Eddie Davis New Orleans Jazz Band.

In 1968 he was interviewed in "The Great Comedians Talk About Comedy by Larry Wilde.

He worked with Peter Sellers , Peter OToole , Ursula Andress and Burt Bacharach on both Whats New Pussycat and Casino Royale .

Many big-name actors are so eager to work with him that they usually work for a fraction of their usual salaries.

Despite having the most nominations for Best Original Screenplay, he almost never attends the Academy Awards.

Responded to renewed allegations of child abuse by his estranged and grown daughter Dylan OSullivan Farrow by writing an op-ed to the New York Times published Feb 7, 2014 which he concluded by declaring it would be the last time he would ever comment on the matter.

Claims he watches TV only before bed or when hes exercising.

He would offer the part to actors he admires by sending them a letter and asking politely if they are interested in being in one of his movies.

As of 2014, has written three films that were nominated for the Best Picture Oscar: Annie Hall , Hannah and Her Sisters and Midnight in Paris . Of those, Annie Hall is a winner in the category and all the three scripts are winners in the Best Original Screenplay category.

In a July 2014 interview, he revealed that one of his few dream projects would be a biopic of Sidney Bechet.

He directed his then girlfriend Mia Farrow in thirteen films: A Midsummer Nights Sex Comedy , Zelig , Broadway Danny Rose , The Purple Rose of Cairo , Hannah and Her Sisters , Radio Days , September , Another Woman , New York Stories , Crimes and Misdemeanors , Alice , Shadows and Fog and Husbands and Wives .

He has directed Diane Keaton in seven films: Sleeper , Love and Death , Annie Hall , Interiors , Manhattan , Radio Days and Manhattan Murder Mystery .

He has directed Dianne Wiest in five films: The Purple Rose of Cairo , Hannah and Her Sisters , Radio Days , September and Bullets Over Broadway .

He has directed Sam Waterston in four films: Interiors , Hannah and Her Sisters , September and Crimes and Misdemeanors .

He considers Goodfellas to be a great American movie.

Stanley Kubrick considered casting him in Sydney Pollack s part in Eyes Wide Shut .

Along with Orson Welles , Laurence Olivier , Warren Beatty , Kenneth Branagh , Clint Eastwood and Roberto Benigni , he is one of only seven men to receive Academy Award nominations for both Best Actor and Best Director for the same film: Welles for Citizen Kane , Olivier for Hamlet , Allen for Annie Hall , Beatty for both Heaven Can Wait and Reds , Branagh for Henry V , Eastwood for Unforgiven and Benigni for La vita bella .

He directed his second wife Louise Lasser in five films: Whats Up, Tiger Lily? , Take the Money and Run , Bananas , Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex

But Were Afraid to Ask and Stardust Memories . Only the first two were made during their marriage.

He directed Ira Wheeler in ten films: Hannah and Her Sisters , Radio Days , September , New York Stories , Alice , Shadows and Fog , Husbands and Wives , Manhattan Murder Mystery , Small Time Crooks and The Curse of the Jade Scorpion .

He was played by Dennis Boutsikaris in Love and Betrayal: The Mia Farrow Story .

He is exactly ten years older than his Scenes from a Mall co-star Bette Midler : Allen was born on December 1, 1935 while Midler was born on December 1, 1945.

He has directed Fred Melamed in seven films: Hannah and Her Sisters , Radio Days , Another Woman , Crimes and Misdemeanors , Shadows and Fog , Husbands and Wives and Hollywood Ending .

In May 2016 at the Cannes Film Festival Opening Night screening of Caf Society , master of ceremonies Laurent Lafitte shocked the audience when he said to Allen, "Its very nice that youve been shooting so many movies in Europe, even if you are not being convicted for rape in the U.S." The "joke" did not go over well with the audience.

He played Caroline Aaron s brother in both Crimes and Misdemeanors and Deconstructing Harry .

Since the release of Annie Hall , he has written and directed at least one film every year except for 1981.

He has directed Judy Davis in five films: Alice , Husbands and Wives , Deconstructing Harry , Celebrity and To Rome with Love .

He has directed Tony Sirico in six films: Bullets Over Broadway , Mighty Aphrodite , Everyone Says I Love You , Deconstructing Harry , Celebrity and Caf Society .

He has directed David Ogden Stiers in five films: Another Woman , Shadows and Fog , Mighty Aphrodite , Everyone Says I Love You and The Curse of the Jade Scorpion .

At one point in his career he was writing jokes for gossip columnist Earl Wilson.

He has directed Peter McRobbie in eight films: Zelig , The Purple Rose of Cairo , Shadows and Fog , Bullets Over Broadway , Mighty Aphrodite , Deconstructing Harry , Celebrity and Small Time Crooks .

He has directed Stephanie Roth Haberle in four films: Crimes and Misdemeanors , Deconstructing Harry , Hollywood Ending and Melinda and Melinda .

He wrote seven of the Writers Guild of Americas 2016 list of 101 Funniest Screenplays: Annie Hall at #1, Sleeper at #60, Bananas at #69, Take the Money and Run at #76, Love and Death at #78, Manhattan at #81, and Broadway Danny Rose at #92.

From 1976 to 1984, he was the main character of the popular comic strip "Inside Woody Allen", written and drawn by Stu Hample.

He has directed Dan Moran in five films: Mighty Aphrodite , Deconstructing Harry , Celebrity , Sweet and Lowdown and The Curse of the Jade Scorpion .

The chaotic production of Casino Royale is what inspired him to begin directing and have more control over his films.

He considers Match Point to be his best film.

He has directed Ralph Pope in four films: Deconstructing Harry , Celebrity , Sweet and Lowdown and Anything Else .

He has directed Marvin Chatinover in four films: Zelig , New York Stories , Deconstructing Harry and Small Time Crooks .

He has directed Kenneth Edelson in 18 films: Alice , Husbands and Wives , Mighty Aphrodite , Deconstructing Harry , Celebrity , Sweet and Lowdown , Small Time Crooks , The Curse of the Jade Scorpion , Hollywood Ending , Anything Else , Melinda and Melinda , Cassandras Dream , Whatever Works , Midnight in Paris , Blue Jasmine , Magic in the Moonlight , Irrational Man and Caf Society . The only actor to appear in more Allen films is Allen himself (30).

He has directed Steven Randazzo in four films: Husbands and Wives , Manhattan Murder Mystery , Mighty Aphrodite and Celebrity .

He directed Hy Anzell in five films: Bananas , Annie Hall , Radio Days , Crimes and Misdemeanors and Deconstructing Harry .

Generally avoids giving complete scripts to actors appearing in his films, unless theyre playing the lead. Everyone else receives only the pages concerning their characters.

He has directed Tony Darrow in six films: Bullets Over Broadway , Mighty Aphrodite , Deconstructing Harry , Celebrity , Sweet and Lowdown and Small Time Crooks .

Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a,beer and some meatballs.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an,evening with an insurance salesman?,Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people--and kill them.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit,in my name at a Swiss bank.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

[on why he never watches his own movies] I think I would hate them.

There was no ripple professionally for me at all when I was in the,papers with my custody stuff. I made my films, I worked in the streets,of New York, I played jazz every Monday night, I put a play on.

Everything professionally went just the same. There were no,repercussions. There was white-hot interest for a while, like with all,things like that, and then it became uninteresting to people.

I always think it is a mistake to try and be young, because I feel the,young people in the United States have not distinguished themselves.

The young audience in the United States have not proven to me that they,like good movies or good theatre. The films that are made for young,people are not wonderful films, they are not thoughtful. They are these,blockbusters with special effects. The comedies are dumb, full of,toilet jokes, not sophisticated at all. And these are the things the,young people embrace. I do not idolize the young.

Life is for the living.

Organized crime in America takes in over $40 billion a year and spends,very little on office supplies.

I was thrown out of NYU [New York University] for cheating on my,Metaphysics final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to,me.

80% of success is showing up.

[Responding to fans, skeptical of his plan to direct an opera] I have no,idea what I am doing. But incompetence has never prevented me from,plunging in with enthusiasm.

My mother always said I was a very cheerful kid until I was five years,old, and then I turned gloomy.

[on 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) ] It was one of the few times in,my life that I realized that the artist was so much ahead of me.

[on,Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964) ],Everything wonderful about that movie . . . is because of the way it,was directed. Otherwise, I thought there were flaws in the writing of,the movie and flaws in some of the performances of the movie. But the,directing of the movie was so bravura and so superb, that it was just a,knockout.

[the existence of God, life after death, the meaning of life] were,always obsessions of mine, even as a very young child. These were,things that interested me as the years went on. My friends were more,preoccupied with social issues--issues such as abortion, racial,discrimination and Communism--and those issues just never caught my,interest. Of course they mattered to me as a citizen to some degree . .

. but they never really caught my attention artistically. I always felt,that the problems of the world would never ever be solved until people,came to terms with the deeper issues--that there would be an aimless,reshuffling of world leaders and governments and programs. There was a,difference, of course, but it was a minor difference as to who the,president was and what the issues were. They seemed major, but as you,step back with perspective they were more alike than they were,different. The deeper issues always interested me.

Like Boris [from Whatever Works (2009) ] I fight it all the time.

I think universal harmony is a pipe dream and it may be more productive,to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling.

Not only does my play have no redeeming social value, it has no,entertainment value. I wrote this sprightly little one-acter only to,test out my new paper shredder. If there is any positive message at all,in the narrative, it is that life is a tragedy filled with suffering,and despair and yet some people do manage to avoid jury duty.

[on Stardust Memories (1980) ] I wanted to make a stylish film.

[on Anything Else (2003) ] The cast is wonderful and I thought it,was an interesting story and full of good jokes and good ideas.

My sets are boring. Nothing exciting ever happens, and I barely talk to,the actors.

[on why he always skips the Oscars] They always have it on Sunday night.

Editing is that moment when you give up every hope you have of making a,great piece of art and you have to settle with what you have.

Then once in a while, if I hit one that is popular--like,Match Point (2005) , which made $100 million--then everybody,makes a lot of money on it. Everybody except me.

There are worse things than death. Many of them playing at a theater,near you.

I am not a hypochondriac but a totally different genus of crackpot.

My parents both lived to ripe old ages but absolutely refused to pass,their genes to me as they believed an inheritance often spoils the,child.

[In 2012] I make films for literate people. I have to assume there are,many millions of people in the world who are educated and literate and,want sophisticated entertainment that does not cater to the lowest,common denominator and is not all about car crashes and bathroom jokes.

It started off in London in 2004 with Match Point (2005) and,then I kept going.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

I believe people ought to mate for life. . . like pigeons or Catholics.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, [Cloquet thought,] while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat. . . college,We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices. . .

bullshit french post-war rationalizing,All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.

Some guy hit my fender the other day and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply. " But not in those words.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.

I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect but I still love him.

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.

Showing up is eighty percent of life.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

Ninety percent of living is just showing up.

I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

Showing up is 80 percent of life.

If I had my life to live over I wish I could be a great pianist or something.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Those modern analysts they charge so much! In my day for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat him - that included a choice of any two vegetables.

If only God would give me a clear sign like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

If I could only see one miracle just one miracle. Like a burning bush or the seas part or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.

Marriage is the death of hope.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I am two with nature.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. .